


Damnit Swag

by MaroonGhost



Category: SMG4, Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29690703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaroonGhost/pseuds/MaroonGhost
Summary: I hope no one minds if I do this... these two are just so shippable.
Relationships: Chris/Swagmaster





	Damnit Swag

"Sigh..."  
It was basically what Chris always said. Every time he swiveled his polygonal neck there was an explosion, escapee, OSHA violation, or dead body. And he had very little to blame it on save his dumbass coworker, Swagmaster.  
"What the Hell even is that guy's name?" he found himself asking. "He's never told me, and all the digging I've done got me nowhere. And he's piloted a tank more times than I can count on my hands, and damn well at that, but as soon as we're doing or normal guarding duties..."  
"Yooooooooooooooo Chris wanna see me do some dank shit?"  
"How the Hell can you even speak like that? You just pronounce 'o' over and over whenever you wanna go like that and I'm so damn confused."  
"Anyway wanna see a magic trick?"  
Chris knew better than to oblige him with a 'yes'.  
"No. Knowing you there'll be a hole in the wall before I can say 'pingas'."  
"Goddamnit Chris."  
And Swagmaster dropped a TNT minecraft block, a chainsaw and a frightened Koopa Troopa out of his pockets.  
"Damnit Swag."  
"What is going on here?"  
That was a third voice.  
"Jesus Christ!"  
That was our first voice, as the person it belonged to hurriedly shoved all of Swag's contraband into his pockets. Sergeant Mark didn't give anyone leeway unless his ass was on the line somehow.  
"You two better not be screwing around!" he said, finally poking his head around the corner. "If I catch you two up to no good you two are dead meat!"  
"Sigh... yes, boss."  
Sergeant Mark turned his ugly head back to the direction he was headed. Swagmaster finally erected his back and took his proper post by the cell entrance.  
"If you get me fired you're dead meat," said Chris to Swag. "Which will make you double dead meat since Sergeant Mark will already make you dead meat."  
"I'm not good at math lol" was all Swag responded with.  
"Stuff a sock in it."  
Chris wasn't upset over how idiotic Swagmaster was being right now... it was par for the course, in fact. What he was really upset over was how his mind was faring right now. He was never in that healthy a headspace because of his dangerous career. And his even scarier escapades.  
"Lol remember when we chased down SMG4 and his friends in the van?"  
Chris looked up from the floor.  
"Yeah," said Chris. "There's no way I would've survived a sniper bullet to the penis."  
"Aw shucks Chris, it was only ink. It barely hurt at all."  
"What about when you shot down Santa? It was a miracle he survived."  
"Yeah well, if you haven't made me all guilty for making Jub Jub sad that wouldn't have happened."  
Chris pitched his head up and guffawed. Reminiscing with Swagmaster was one of the few not-endangering things he let himself do with him.  
"Yeah, yeah, true. Or when that blocky prisoner nearly killed you with his kart?"  
"Lolololol yeah."  
Chris laughed along with Swag a little more until he finally calmed down. Too much laughter was suffocating, after all. You know, like when you see a perfect meme and need a few minutes to regain your normal breathing rate.  
"Sigh..."  
"Sigh..."  
The two felt a lot better now. Until Sergeant Mark's monotonous voice went over the loudspeaker.  
"Attention all guards!" he said. "There's been a breach in the prison. Do not let a very hot woman with pointy boobies off the premise!"  
"Aw crap," said Swag. "No pointy boobies are getting past me. Wether or not Sergeant Mark says so."  
"Yeah, right..."  
As soon as they finished, a wild woman ran right out the entrance. She was flailing her arms and screaming unintelligibly. Chris pulled his stun gun out of his right holster, and Swagmaster pulled his rocket launcher from his left.  
"DAMNIT SWAG NOT INSIDE-"  
But Swag was much too volatile for him to control, and it only took one well aimed rocket to take the prisoner down. A large explosion obliterated the fugitive, and somehow left the building unscathed.  
"Aw crap we're toast," said Chris.  
"don't you fukin say that word," said Swagmaster. "we don't want no fairies blowing the place up."  
"We don't want any guards blowing up the place either, and look where we are now."  
"Too soon."  
"You know what's too soon?" snapped Chris. "Using a rocket launcher on an unarmed, fleeing fugitive. We could've just tased her and put her back in her cell but you had to bust out the rocket launcher."  
"Aw Chris I know you're not mad at me," said Swagmaster. "You never are."  
And before Chris could respond the loudspeaker went off. "Chris. Swagmaster. Come to my office immediately."  
"Ooooooh shiiiiiit."  
"Look what you've done now. I'm throwing you as far under the bus as I can."  
Soon the two were seated in Sergeant Mark's office, as he paced back and forth behind his desk. He looked pissed.  
"You two are going out of my office immediately."  
Chris jumped out of his seat and began to go out. But Swagmater asked a fair question.  
"Why even call us in here then?"  
"Because I needed to tell you two I'm paying for a week vacation for you both."  
"What the fuck?" asked Chris.  
"That prisoner was nothing but trouble the minute she got in here. We needed an excuse to kill her off, and it looks like you two seized it when she tried to escape."  
Chris blinked a few times.  
"And that deserves a reward! So hurry back home, pack your bags, and catch that flight!"  
"Yes boss!" And Chris finally walked out the door, in tow of Swagmaster.  
...  
The two found themselves in a familiar pair of beach chairs a day later. Chris was dressed in his bathing suit, and Swag also in his. Neither of them were ripped, in fact they were both a little pudgy. But they weren't ashamed of it at all.  
"Hey Swag?" asked Chris, his face flushed a little. "I need to tell you something."  
"Lol are you in love with me or something?" joked Swagmaster.  
"Nevermind," said Chris, bitterly drinking from his coconut. Swagmaster soon realized his mistake.  
"Uhm... Chris?"  
"Leave me be," Chris insisted, getting out of his seat and walking to the shoreline. Swagmaster followed behind him.  
"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," said Swagmaster, feeling guilty. Chris ignored him, and kept walking further and further into the ocean. Soon, neither of them could touch the sandy bottom.  
"Just leave me be," said Chris. "It's either that or one of us drowns, you know."  
"Aw c'mon I- HOLY SHIT CHRIS GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WATER!"  
"The fuck?"  
And it hit him. A jellyfish grazed across his leg. And it cut pretty deep into him. Chris lost himself in the anguish coating his leg, and curled up is a horrible position to be in in nine feet of water. Naturally, he began to sink.  
"NOT ON MY WATCH!" Swag cried.  
A few minutes later Chris was on the shoreline, his eyes stinging from the saltwater. Something was pressed against his mouth. It felt pretty strange, wet, warm, almost like another person.  
As soon as he could see again, Chris could see it was indeed another person. Swagmaster, in fact, giving him CPR. All the adrenaline in his body from having been kissed on the mouth repeatedly made Chris jump up onto his feet.  
"Holy shit Chris you're alright!"  
And the two hugged tightly, both relieved Chris was OK. Until Chris felt something gurgle in his chest, and he puked up a half-gallon of water over Swag's shoulder.  
"Holy tits!" said Swag, still hugging him tightly.  
"*cough* *cough*... Swag... thank you... *cough*..."  
The two made it back to the hotel room and got onto the bed, tired from all the beach's commotion.  
"So... what now?" asked Swag. "Like, are you a top or-"  
"Agh damnit Swag!" said Chris. "Let's take this slowly, alright?"  
"Uh... good idea. What should we do?"  
"Maybe just sleep together? Like, holding hands or something sappy like that?"  
"Yeah sure."  
Entwining their polygonal fingers, the two bare-chested heroes fell asleep.


End file.
